- From 2008 -
_________
PROLOGUE
“You know,”
My junior year English teacher said,
“The minute you walked through my door,
I took one look at you
And thought I knew everything there was to know about you
But you turned out to be nothing that I expected.”
________________________________________
TENNESSEE WILLIAMS AND THE GAY NINETIES
My guidance counselor developed a crush on me
That was what I wanted, what I wanted, what I wanted
It was what I’d petitioned for
I was so disappointed
He was just like everyone else
Now he is just like all the other horses
Boys and then girls
Girls and then women
Women and then boys never again
Women and then men
Again
I made them think I was smarter than they were
They were all so easily fooled
“Come teach a day at the college for me some time, please,”
The substitute teacher wrote,
“Your knowledge of Shakespeare far surpasses mine.”
“Come run the youth workshop with me,”
My guidance counselor said,
“I hope you will consider it.”
I grew up thinking men were easy
“You’re lyrical at times
Which I sense makes you uncomfortable
Be happy with your whole being
Remember: Jean-Paul Sartre
Plus Gary Snyder
Equals Buddha.”
He gave me an A
I shut myself in the motel bathroom while my lover sleeps
She took more acid than I did
Plus her daily cocktail, her Rx
I check once more, to make sure she’s still breathing
Then I go back to the bathroom,
Close the door,
Crawl under the sink
And hide in the piping
Like I always do
No one can know that I’ve ever cried
It would ruin everything
And if you never tell anyone,
Then it didn’t really happen.
I sing to myself until I don’t want to cry anymore
The alarm goes off too early
I wake up still tripping
I kiss my lover goodbye and go to work
The next week I get back the photo we had taken that night
The night of my senior prom
I could have any woman I want
They think I’m amazing
I have nightmares again, I don’t know what I’m doing
Boys girls women men
Again
No boys, anymore
That would make me just a whore
I won’t let them get inside,
Not even when I’m fried
Can knotty nigh
Her very eye
I told you so
I told you so
I’ll ask you why
Please don’t reply
My head is slow
I sit down low
“I was afraid if I started spanking you
I wouldn’t be able to stop
And I’d kill you,”
She said,
“He’s afraid I might kill you some time,”
She said,
“I love that you’re ten years younger than I am,”
She said
Let me go crazy on you.
She is the one with the canopy head
She lets her flesh drip onto the bed
She dismisses what I’ve said
As the ramblings of the almost dead
She puts her face along the wall
She’s waiting for a sign of fall
Her nails are red
Her breasts are small
Soon her keeper will come to call
She threw me down,
Knelt on top of me,
Grabbed me by the throat
And choked me
I knew why she did it
But what I never knew
Is what made her let go
I see each passing fancy
As it is being drowned
Wearing every flaw
In which I’ve ever been bound
Hoping all the time for my secret’s pleading sound
A child is lost behind me,
One older has been found
Hoping all the time
To see my secret crowned
“Nobody will ever desire you as much as I do,”
She yelled
But everyone did.
Now I take me by the hand
Wrath this way is always canned
Opened after time has spanned
We want too much
Our selves our banned
I permit it all
We have a reason
We have no promises
We commit treason
We are loyal in all that we do
Many components
Make up the whole
We continue
We are breaking down the whole
When adults are just these people you live with
Everyone treats you like you’re one too.
I made them all think I’m smarter than they are
But when everyone looks up to you like you’re above them
Who do you go to for help?
“After a period of time, you begin to believe your own lies,”
He said
Now he’s left this mortal coil
But then–
Another girl wanted my bed
Another girl wanted my head
Another girl, left almost dead
“Another like you and she will be,”
He said
Pretty girl and the corpse of a squirrel
She wants her very own nymph of a girl
Few will see her core unfurl
Can you care for the heart of a girl?
Pretty girl watches you leave
Pretty girl can scarcely breathe
Some will gasp
Some will heave
Pretty girl shall no longer believe
Now I’m king of the club
Girl, boy, she, he—
It doesn’t matter
They all want me,
Commodity—
‘Cause I will bend and I don’t break
I will give but I won’t take
It is all for ego’s sake
You can’t be made when on the make
Because this is the type of place where
Farm girls are tricked to ruin and
Nice girls are beat into misery and
Fast girls are eaten alive and
Boys won’t share their food if you don’t have sex with them and
If you fall asleep—
They’ll do whatever they want to you, anyway.
And I think—maybe I can get out
So I chase a couple beers with a lungful of smoke
No—maybe I can really get out
“I would give it all up for you,”
He said
Now he’s left this mortal coil
Cannot deny
My very eye
She told you so
She told you so
His troubled ‘why’
Please don’t reply
My head is slow
I sit down low
‘Everybody wants your bed
Doesn’t that make you feel better?
It’s what you wanted, what you wanted,’
What I wanted
It’s what I petitioned for
But if I could find one person who’s not just like all the other horses,
Maybe I’ll take them home
I am the one with the canopy head
I let his flesh drip onto the bed
I dismiss all that I’ve said
I’m a stallion—
Born and bred.
Meeting with him in the stall
Who’d have thought I had the gall?
I’m not gay, no not at all
And if he is,
I’ll grow some balls.
I grew up thinking men were easy
I loved that they were easy
I made myself easy like a man
Not easy like a girl
This body was my advantage
This body was my release
This body was my prison
So I let out the beast
To beat them—
And join them
This is the Gay Nineties
And I’m leading it all
I always knew I had the gall
Spread your legs right there and sprawl
I’ve got your excuse to fall
Come fall with me,
We’ll be so bad
We’ll be dirty, filthy, sad
Drugged, infected, bruised and scabbed
You be my whore, I’ll be your lad
He can’t hurt you,
Make you cry
Just leave your semen there to dry
That boy you fancy’s quite a guy
But it’s with me you come to lie
I don’t say no
It’s a sin to say no
You can make up any rule you want to keep them away
So long as you don’t say no
How could I be lonely?
It’s a sin for me to be lonely
If I’d known you were so special,
I wouldn’t have let you go so easily
Jim Carroll says It’s Too Late
Sweat is beading on your back
Can these pills cause heart attack?
If I you pass out I’ll bring you back
‘Cause you make up for all I lack
Now I’m sober, on a plane
It is rocking in the rain
What you said was not in vain
It still rustles
In my brain
He slit his wrists and he lived
He slit his wrists and he lived
The blood was everywhere and he lived
Then they found him dead in the back-road ditch
His body had to be identified by his dental records
The third time, he didn’t make it
Now he’s left this mortal coil
I have so many nightmares
I wake up screaming
I can’t acknowledge it
It makes me just like all the other horses
If I were a bigger man
I wouldn’t need to be afraid to walk around without my armor
If everyone thinks I’m so smart,
Why do I wake up screaming?
Spoiled and greasy, pale and spent
An honest job, to pay the rent
I’m not gay, I’m just so bent
I’ll blow the smoke into the vent
That was the Gay Nineties
And he left the writing on the wall
Big letters, crazed letters
Splashed with powder and dust
And desperate need
“What does it mean?”
She asked me
Now he’s left this mortal coil
By his own hand
He is just like all the other horses
She is just like all the other horses
I am just like all the other horses
If I am so smart—
Why do I wake up crying?
